When we announced that we were expecting baby #1 the news was celebrated by everyone we knew.? And then again with baby #2.? But there was a noticeable decline with babies #3, #4, #5, #6 and #7 (except from some family members, and a few close friends who also had large families).? When we announced our first babies people would light up with a smile and a hug and congratulate us!? Then for baby #3 their faces would go blank and they would say, "You're crazy", or "On purpose?"? Not the most encouraging.? They would question our judgement by saying things like, "You're going to move then right?"? "You're going to buy a new car then aren't you?"? In the United States at least, two children is considered "normal" and doable from pop culture's opinion.? But more than that?? Not so much.??Most people are very un/mis-informed about large families ~ bur really, without seeking out the truth, how would they know it?? So many parents are quick to believe the scare tactics that are so prominent, trying to manipulate couple's decisions to limit their family size.? A good friend once pointed out that getting one's tubes tied is the only surgery that hospitals' push on otherwise healthy women while they will be in for another procedure.? That surgery is not to get "fixed"; it's getting "broken".? Its kind of like if you took your car to the oil change place and they offered to break the air-conditioning for you while you were there.? People are told that more than 2 children would over populate the earth, cost too much money, increase their "risk" for an "unhealthy" baby, would be an irresponsible choice... or would require too much self-sacrifice for their comfort.? But that is looking at things from a limited human perspective, rather than from a divine, God-planned perspective.? *smile*
Ironically, when we got to babies #8, and #9 there was increasing celebration for us again (and those babies were twins, which seems to excite most people).? I think I had prepared people's minds as to the fact that there would be more babies in our future, so they weren't shocked any longer when we said there was one coming; and I think people add a family with 6+ children in to the "one of those families" group.? *laugh*? And they no longer try to talk us out of it, and don't question our judgement.? They may not agree or like the large family's size, but they seem less likely to directly say so, and are more inclined to just let it go.? So, there's hope for those of you who are feeling discouraged.? With the strategies I'll share with you, even the hospitals I've given birth in have stopped trying to educate me and have started to genuinely enjoy our family with us!? *laugh!*? It's quite amusing to me now.
But my heart aches for the moms who write to me saying that they are so sad because others do not celebrate with them the good news of the Lord's blessing of another baby.? Many, many moms have told me that they are hiding their pregnancy for as long as they can out of fear for other's reactions that are so hurtful, be that from complete strangers, friends or family, non-Christians...or even Christians.? Here are three very common emails that I receive fairly regularly from moms.
"What do you do when discouraged about your family size (or rather the sheer negativity towards having more children) or if you receive disparaging comments?? My husband and I recently moved to California from Texas and I have to say there is a much more negative attitude out here.? It saddens me, but we keep trucking. Really the hardest part is negative things from family members who are also believers." ~ Anonymous
"We are expecting again(thank you Jesus)
"I am writing for your expertise and godly view.? I am currently going through a miscarriage.? In the meantime some friends of the large family mindset congratulate us, while my family (mostly unbelievers) rudely or gently joke, 'Aren't you tired and stressed?? Why do you continue doing this to yourself?'? Have you experienced strangers and family rudely confront you?? For instance my sister called it madness.? I know that Biblically I am to gently answer questions, but because there was not a question asked I did not respond to her.? Other friends are concerned for my health due to frequent mastitis issues and health problems my son had at first. I suppose my question is this, how do you respond to unbelievers that do not know the lord?? Do the negative comments really bother you?? The Lord has provided a new home, income, everything necessary for our babies and growing family.? I just never knew that people could be ecstatic about one baby but not number three or more."? ~ Anonymous??
Here's what I have to share:
- My thoughts and answers to the above questions
- Some recommended responses to people's comments
- Some things you can do to receive a more positive response from others
- Some recommended resources to build our knowledge and therefore our confidence?
- Some things we do to feel connected
- An opportunity to testify to the Lord's provision??
?~ ~ ~ ~ ~
My thoughts and answers to these questions
Did the negative comments and jokes hurt me?? Of course they did.? But with the strategies I'll share with you here I've found relief from those hurts.
When we were having babies #3, 4 and 5, I would feel so, so sad when people did not celebrate, or would even joked negatively.? Bob and I often said that maybe we should have an open house with dessert served and invite people to come over to our house and celebrate with us, since no one ever threw baby showers.? Not to invite presents mind you, but just to celebrate with us the joy and excitement and honor we felt that the Lord would bless us with another baby.? We longed to see their smile for us, to receive a hug, and to hear congratulations.? But we never did this idea.? I did have two friends who also have large families throw me baby showers for babies #6 & 7, and this blessed my socks off.? I hadn't had one in such a long time...I felt overwhelmed with joy in those showers.
When we have been expecting babies we have celebrated with our children, though, every time!? *smile* We had dessert, huged, create a baby names ideas list, and talk about the baby and when it would be born with eager anticipation.? And we learned to increasingly enjoy and be satisfied with celebration within our own immediate family, and to rely less on what others thought or did.
Sometimes I received a negative or sarcastic comment from a stranger while I was out shopping, such as "Haven't you figured out how that happens yet?"? Or, "You must be either Mormon, Catholic, or a protestant s*x maniac."? (Yes, within ear shot of the children with me.)? And I would come home and tell Bob, and he would hold me, or come up with a great response for the next comment - which always made me laugh.? Bob is so funny.? *chuckle*? And then I would pray, taking my hurts, burdens, and worries to my heavenly Father, and He would give His perfect comfort, and point me toward truth, and renew my spirit.? And I would then move past it and focus on the truth.? That the Lord was pleased, and that was the most important thing.? That my husband was pleased, our children were thrilled, we'd seen the Lord's provision for us, I was healthy over all, and I was blessed and honored to be carrying that little life.?
Some recommended responses for people's comments
I have found it very wise to be proactive even in responding to people's comments to me.? I would prepare some responses to people in advance if it were required (and it isn't always required), decide what my facial expression will be, and then what my in-private response will be, which was prayer.? I've learned that it is unwise to let one's emotions be in charge (still working on this daily), but rather to have my mind and my will be in charge of my response.? I knew the comments would come again, so I chose to give a proactive reaction rather than a reactive one.? To live life ON PURPOSE.? I chose to say something witty, or funny, and maybe help them to think twice about what they just said so that they would not be quite so quick to say it to another expecting mom.? And I chose to smile and to answer positively, to try to show others that the Lord would provide for any concern we or others could have for us, and to pray that my own peace would rub off on others.
I also loved asking other large-family moms who I found to be witty what their responses were to the common comments or questions that we all received (and which are not as original as most people seem to think they are).? I don't know that I think as quickly on my feet as I desire to when criticized or laughed at, but I can remember other's witty responses and use those!? *laugh!*
I have one friend with 7 children who when asked, "Haven't you figured out how this happens yet?" would respond with, "Yes we have actually, and we rather like it."? Ha!? She says it always takes people a back.? I've never had the courage to reply that way yet, but the very thought of it makes me laugh and lifts my spirit.? Chris Jeub (father of 16) says that he responds to this question with, "My wife knows but she won't tell me."? *laugh*? I love comments like that, which turn a crude, dumb comment in to a light-hearted one.
Usually people offer up one of the same 5 comments when they see our family.? I don't think they're trying to be unkind, they just don't know what else to say.? Sometimes these comments often don't need any response at all other than a smile as I keep walking, but if it seems that the commenting person desires dialog then I'll say something positive, and I do not affirm their victimization of me.? It's good to remember that no one else can determine how we react to them or how we receive their comment.? They may have intended it as a criticism or a complaint as they roll their eyes while saying it, but I'll choose to receive it as a comment I can respond positively to .? For example, when they say, "Boy, your hands are full."? I reply with a smile, "Yes, full of blessings."? When people say, "Are these all yours?!"? I smile broadly and say, "Yes!"? So they cannot mistake my enthusiasm, which shapes their next response from treating me as a victim to either saying nothing and appearing to think about that exchange a bit more, or smiling back to m!? Sometimes people say, "Boy, you must be a saint!"? And I reply with, "No, but God's helping me learn to be a better mom every day."? When people say, "You should write a book on how to do this."? I say, "There already is one; the Bible has all the instruction we need."? And when they say, "You must be busy!"? I simply say cheerfully, "Yes" and smile, like it's not a bad thing, it's just a fact of life.
When I know or suspect that the commenting person is not a Christian, whether that's a stranger, a friend, or even extended family, then I remind myself that that person does not understand and so I shouldn't receive what they say.? They do not know the Lord.? They've not experienced His provision, companionship, protection, and blessing.? They do not know His truths about the preciousness of life.? They may not even know that every life is divinely created and has purpose, rather than being an accident without any purpose.? So I should not expect them to understand me or our family.? But I can try to be a "light" to their world by my response.? I offer a response with peace, which is so different than what the World offers them.? If I understand where they are in life, it helps me to let their comments roll off my back.
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Some things you can do to receive a more positive response from others
There are some things that parents can do to try to receive a better, more favorable response from others when the announcement is made that another baby is on the way.? *smile*? Here's what I've done and which has worked beautifully for me and other friends I've recommended the ideas to.
~Positive response inducer #1:? Receive people's second reaction instead of their first one.? After receiving many negative and very discouraging reactions from people, the Lord helped me to understand that most all of those people, if not all of them, would have a better reaction to our news if they had time to think about it and choose their reaction.? I wanted their better-thought-out reaction, but not their initial, automatic reaction.? When they could choose their facial expression, choose kind words (even if not celebratory), and usually choose to be glad with us even if they don't understand us.? So I set out to make our wonderful announcement external from myself; taking myself out of the initial scene when people found out.? *smile*? Here are a few ideas I've used:
* Send an e-card announcement with cute baby pictures to close family and friends, and then instead of receiving fallen faces or rude comments we can receive people's smile and a "congratulations" the next time we see them.
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* Send an email announcement with the exciting news.? And I encourage you not to send an apologetic letter while you hide behind it, but make it pretty and sparkly!? Add baby-themed clip art, or design an announcement using computer software.? *smile*? People almost can't help smile at something like that.? And let them respond however they will - at home in private.? *wink* ?
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* Post a cute Facebook photo announcing your news in a creative way!? Here's one we used last time (but then the Lord ended up taking that baby #10 to heaven with Him before we got to hold him this time).?
And here are some other great photo ideas!? *grin!*? I Love these!? If you go to Google Images and type in "Expecting a baby announcement" there are dozens more photo ideas!
* You can also just encourage people to share your news for you if they'd like to and if the opportunity arises.? *smile*? Let the word spread without you present.~ Positive response inducer #2:? I speak conversationally about the next baby, before I'm even expecting.? I've always been real confident that the Lord would be giving us another baby, judging by our previous record *chuckle*, so I would just say things like, "When we get to have another baby..."? Or, "If the Lord chooses to bless us with another baby then we will..."? Then, when the next baby is actually "in the oven", people aren't shocked by the news and they tend to respond with a shrug and a smile and an of-course response.
~ Positive response inducer #3:? I use people's comments or questions, such as "Aren't you exhausted??" as an opportunity to share about scheduling.? We can have a positive testimony that life doesn't have to be chaotic.? I'll say to that question, "No, not in general.? God has shown us how to put together a great weekly routine that enables us to pretty much get the important things done, including getting enough sleep."? And I smile.? The smile is very important.?
~ Positive response inducer #4:? I strive to do the basics well, not take on extra responsibilities.? Being "successful" as a mom of young children does not mean that we have to take on extra responsibilities outside of our home; it means doing what you're called to do well.? It doesn't mean signing the kids up for sports and lots of outside activities (although there's nothing wrong with tossing the football around; it's the developed appetites and addictions to sports, etc., that is a huge problem).? And it doesn't mean volunteering to teach Sunday school, heading up the Christmas program at church, or having a home business.??Rather being successful means doing story time at home with the kids, preparing healthy meals for the family, completing school work, keeping up with laundry, and keeping the house generally orderly and not chaotic as a lifestyle.? Moms have enough on their plates without taking on extra things.? Now I'm not talking about things like participating in a church potluck or helping organize a baby shower, which are one-time blessings for others that we can step in to and step out of again without becoming overly burdened or compromising our family's needs.? We need to be able to participate with family and friends, and to be a blessing to others sometimes, but we don't need to take on extra, long term commitments to be doing a great job as a mother.
~ Positive response inducer #5:? I try to look like I'm enjoying life.? I think it makes a huge difference to other people when they see a mom wearing nice clothes that fit (not super expensive, just nice looking and clean), wearing a little make up, maybe some jewelry, and smiling.? If moms look like they're dragging along, struggling under the weight of life, then of course people are likely to either worry about that mom, or treat her like a victim or a marter.? This isn't a good reflection on the Lord's plan for blessing couples with a large family.? We need to keep in mind that children are a blessing and a reward, and we should look like we understand this to be true.? If you'd like lots of pracitcal how-to's for doing this, here's a post I wrote on how to have Motherhood With Vitality.? *smile*
~ Positive response inducer #6:? We need to speak positively about our family and our life.? People are watching large families especially.? They're intrigued.? And they are also often looking for justification for their own refusal to give Lordship to God and to receive all of the children He has for them.? If life seems awful and chaotic people will think about how glad they are to not be our shoes - and they're likely to question the sanity of, and criticize a mom who then announces that she's expecting another baby.? If we're complaining about life and kids, or airing all the hardships of large family life on Facebook constantly, that makes a loud statement about large families.? It's good to be real with people, I don't mean that we should put on a facade or pretend that everything's great when it's not; but we do need to choose our words and our audience carefully, and choose when to speak and when to not.? *wink*? Look for opportunities to share the joys and successes and sweetness, and sometimes share the really hard things with only our closest friends who understand and do not judge.
Some recommended resources to build our knowledge and therefore our confidence
Another thing that moms can do to help others celebrate with them when they are expecting another baby is to educate themselves on the truths regarding large families.? What are the proven facts about over population theories; is there such thing as "old eggs" for a mom over age 40; is it good for children to have lots of siblings; and what does scripture say about family planning?? When we know the facts then fear can be alleviated, and our confidence can grow and show.? And this is reflected in how we carry ourselves as large family moms.? And it also helps us to have an answer ready for people's questions and comments.? We need to be prepared.? We need to take these life choices seriously, because if we're Christians then we have a life testimony that reflects on Christ.? Do we make Him look good, or not?
Here are some resources I highly recommend to others.? A couple of my posts that examine in detail the common questions that people have, including a lot of scripture speaking direclty about familiy planning; an excellent message on CD; and a couple of very informative and fun to read books:
* Family Planning, Part 1 - Does the Bible Actually Say, "Thou Shall Not Use Birth Control"?Some things Bob and I do to feel connected
* Pursuing a Large Family Mentality When You're Still a Small Family
* God's Viewpoint on Having Babies - audio message on CD, Dr. S.M. Davis ($5)
* A Full Quiver, By Rick & Jan Hess (Amazon $1.79 used)
* Love Another Child, By Chris & Wendy Jeub (Amazon $13.95)
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Bob and I are also proactive - ON PURPOSE - about trying to be connected with other like-minded Believers.? We need fellowship, and friendship.? And this also helps us to let any negative comments, questions, or jokes from people just roll off our backs.? *smile*? Not that we're not friends with small families, too.? We are and we adore those friends.? But it's important to have friends who understand life as a large family, and whom we can share ideas with, and pray for.
We invite large families over for dinner whenever possible, not only for the fellowship but in an effort to bless them.? Large families are typically not often invited over to other people's houses very often because people can feel overwhelmed by the sheer number of people and the amount of food to be prepared.? But we're used to it, we're not afraid of it, and we desire to bless others with that gift of hospitality.??
We have strategies for doing this in our small home.? When we have company we usually have all the children eat at the table first, or even just all the little ones.? And then we serve the adults and sometimes older children at the table once the youngest children are finished.? This helps parents make sure their children have assistance during the meal, and it helps the adults be able to then relax and sit more and have nice conversation during their own meal.? We also strive to mostly have company during the summer times when we can utilize our back yard space, and the kids can picnic outside for a meal, and run and play more freely than they can inside.
We also very much enjoy meeting other large families through our blog.? *smile*? In fact we're on a waiting list for a PO Box at our local post office so that we can be in closer touch with more of our readers through Christmas cards and things; prayerfully we'll get one soon.??
And, there is an opportunity through a website called, Arrow Collectors - a family networking database, to help people meet other like-minded families in their surrounding areas.??
We also attend the Christian Heritage Homeschool & Family Discipleship Conference here in Washington where over 3,000 like-minded Believers gather annually for learning and fellowship!? And an annual summer picnic with the conference families living closest to one another for a homeschool kick-off event.? We've been attending the conference for 7 years now, and this has been absolutely priceless to us, life-changing, and encouraging for the entire year.? We have made several really good friends at this conference, and we hope to make many more still. ?
An opportunity to testify to the Lord's provision?
Large families really have an unusual opportunity to shed light on the Lord's provisions for them as well, and this greatly effects people's opinions about surrendering lordship to Christ.? Pointing out how the Lord has provided a large enough home, or provided a raise at work, or a needed vehicle may seem like pointing out the obvious to people, but they have usually not thought about these facts as direct blessings and provisions from the Lord.? We have a roof over our heads and we are warm and dry and safe because His angels watch over us; we have enough food; we have clothes; we have talents and abilities the Lord has given us to improve our own situations with and to bless others with.?
We can also demonstrate contentment to others in our path.? When we have the Lord, we can be like the apostle Paul having contentment with what we have and where we are in life, rather than always clawing for more like the world does. ? We can enjoy life without a dual income and lots of material possessions (or with those).? And when we come to the end of our life we will not take any of those things with us anyway.? The only thing we will take with us are our relationships with people.
Another thing we have the opportunity to testify to is our spiritual well-being no matter the physical circumstances.? Most all moms experience some type of physical difficulty during pregnancy or with a newborn.? This can range from nausea, tiredness, or swollen feet to diabetes, preclampsia, or pain.? But Christians can know that the Lord understands their difficulties, He meets them where they are, and He brings good from all situations.? " And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28)."??
When people ask, "Doesn't your back have a lot of pain when you're pregnant?"? We can answer with, "Yes it has, but that doesn't mean it will this time; and if it does the Lord will show me how to care for our family in a way that is doable, or He'll send help, and He can help me to be an example to the children of how to do life when it's hard."??
When people say, "I couldn't handle eating heavy protein every 2 hours to keep from getting sick like you do for months at a time."? I responded with, "Yes, it's been hard, but the Lord has shown me how to manage the morning sickness pretty well, and most importantly He has shown me how much the kids are capable of doing at home when I need to be lying on the couch. This has been great for their character development and for their lives."? ?
We shouldn't use the difficulties of pregnancy or delivery as an excuse to not submit to the Lord's plans.? He knows what we deal with, and He is there with us.? We need to take what we have and say, "Okay - how can I do this well?"
We need to take whatever physical or emotional difficulty we have during the season of childbearing, ask the Lord to show us the blessings through that, and then share that testimony with others.? This sharing can transform another person's ability to cope with their own difficulty, or even enable them to have the courage they need to surrender completely to the Lord's will and plans despite their own limited understanding of how it would work.? "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.? In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths (Proverbs 3:5-6)."
So really there are a lot of things that we can do to keep our smiles when we get to make an announcement of another blessing on the way!? *smile*? I encourage moms to have an answer ready for friends, family's, or strangers comments or questions.? We need to do our best to invoke a positive response from people we come in contact with regularly.? It's good to be educated, and to know what scripture says about children and family planning so that we can eliminate any fears and build our confidence and peace.? And we need to be connected with other like-minded Christians, to support one another and to pray for one another.?
May the Lord bless your heart as you go on your way from here,
Recommended resources:
God's Viewpoint on Having Babies - audio message on CD, Dr. S.M. Davis ($5)
A Full Quiver, By Rick & Jan Hess (Amazon $1.79 used copies)
Love Another Child, By Chris & Wendy Jeub (Amazon $13.95)
You might also enjoy reading some of my related posts:
Motherhood With Vitality!, Part 1 of 2
Family Planning, Part 1 - Does the Bible Actually Say, "Thou Shall Not Use Birth Control"?
Family Planning - Surrendering Control to God, Our Story, Part 1 of 2
Pursuing a Large Family Mentality When You're a Small Family
Large Families On Budgets - Making More Out of Less, Part 1 of 2
Source: http://www.largefamiliesonpurpose.com/2012/11/sharing-special-announcementwhen-others.html
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